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Episode 34/Transcript
Deandra: (entering her room) You really outdid yourself with the stuffing this year Mom! And grandma, those green beans, muah! (looks at herself in the mirror) Alright Deandra, Phase One is complete. Now it's time to execute Operation: Thanksgiveme. God, such a good name, such a good name. Alright let me just switch this out for my eatin' arm. (she does; said eating arm has a giant spoon on the end) Yeah, lookin' good! Who's the best? You're the best! You've had all year long to prepare for this day, are you ready? You're goddamn right I'm ready! Gobble gobble, motherfucker. Gobble, gobble. (doorbell rings) Deandra: Hiye! Shay: Hi... Deandra, what are you doing here? Deandra: Oh I thought I'd just stop by and say hey to my old friend Shay Van Buren. You know chill, talk about boys. Shay: Oh, well, we're actually about to sit down to Thanksgiving dinner. Deandra: Oh my God! Is that today? I guess my family must've just completely forgotten. My parents have been so busy lately, must've slipped their minds. No worries. I guess I'll just go home and well, there's probably a Charlie Brown special on or something right? Shay: Well, do you want to join us? Deandra: Oh really, well jeez, I hadn't really thought of it— Shay: Hey guys, is it cool if Deandra joins us for dinner? Deandra: So are you guys a grace family or a no grace family? Cameron: Well, we only say grace when my mom's sober. Jayna: Will you stuff my turkey. Deandra: Wow, is she dead? Cameron: Nope, she's just AD proof. Deandra: Oh cool. Alright, well I'm just gonna start helping myself here to a little bit of this turkey, mmm, a little bit of this stuffing, pop a few Hawaiian rolls on here, mashed potatoes of course, and I wouldn't be doing justice to those without a little bit of gravy, and by a little bit I mean a lot. Some cranberry sauce. Oh, cranberry jelly! You Van Burens sure know how to put out a spread! Cameron: Well Deandra, you're lucky we had room for you. My thirty-one year old boyfriend—thirty-one—was supposed to join us, but instead decided to spend Thanksgiving with his kids. Shay: And his wife. Cameron: Yeah, I know, she like sees him all the time. She's such a selfish bitch! So tell me Deandra, what's the deal with your parents, do they like hate you or something? Mikayla: Are they dead? Deandra: Oh no, no, no, no, no little gremlin they're just super forgetful. By the way you should probably eat up. Midnight will be here sooner than you think. Cameron: So what Deandra, you just rolled on over here so you could mooch off of us? Shay: Cameron, Deandra is my friend! She came here to hang out because her family's like super forgetful. You know what it's like to be forgetful. You know, like when your boyfriend's about to break up with you and you "forget" to take your birth control? It's Thanksgiving for fuck's sake! How 'bout you try a little more thanking and giving and a little bit less being a bitch? Sorry, Deandra. Deandra? Deandra: Alright, I'll see you guys later. Hope you don't mind, I took a doggy bag, biye! Jayna: I just had the strangest dream that a Terminator came from the future and ate our entire Thanksgiving dinner. Maybe I should switch to the red. (doorbell rings) Mackenzie: De-andra? what um— Deandra: Oh I thought I'd just stop by and say hey to my old friend Mackenzie Zales. You know chill, talk about boys. Oh are you having Thanksgiving dinner? Oh I guess my family must've just completely forgotten. My parents have been so busy lately. No worries. I guess I'll just go home and watch Charlie Brown or something. Unless you'd like me to stay? Mackenzie: Um... I guess you—? Deandra: Oh great! Mind if I sit next to you little Zales? Katelynn: I'm not eating. I had too many crayons! Deandra: Been there. Fuckin' been there. You are gonna have some colorful poops though. Mrs. Zales: (speaking in Asian dialogue) Alright you guys, I've got fifteen minutes to get through this shit and then I've got a video conference with Beijing. Jack: Hi, I don't believe we met, I'm Mackenzie's— Mrs. Zales: Jack! What part of fifteen minutes do you not understand? Let's say grace. Dear God, thank you for the food, thank you for my family, and if you let the Nasdaq drop another fifteen points I swear to your son Jesus Christ, I will personally go up there and rip your fucking balls off! Amen. Deandra: Amen. That was my kind of grace, a little bit of thanks, whole lot of thinly veiled threats. I gotta say Mrs. Zales you've cooked up quite the spread of meats, stuffings, and various Thanksgiving accoutrements! Jack: Oh well, actually I cooked the— Mrs. Zales: Jack! Do you want to have Thanksgiving dinner or a brag-a-thon? Because if you do, I'll gladly talk about my income versus yours. Katelynn! Clothes on! Katelynn: (naked) I'm a turkey! Mackenzie: Goddammit Katelynn! I'm sorry Deandra. Deandra: Oh no, no problem. This girl actually reminds me a lot of myself when I was two. Mackenzie: ...She's seven. Deandra: Oh. Well, looks like you guys are out of food. Mackenzie: What the fuck? Mrs. Zales: Thank God. Jack: I'll clean up. Deandra: See you guys later. Katelynn: Ha ha ha! Gobble gobble! (falls off chair) (Deandra is walking along outside) Brittnay: (off-screen) I said no fucking ham this year Mom! (ham flies out window) Deandra: Hm, the Matthews family is a ham family, huh? Well, it's not really the same without— Brittnay: And I fucking hate cranberry sauce! (sauce flies out the window) Deandra: Yup, there it is. Okay. It's raining food, hallelujah! It's raining food! Rachel: ...And bless my dog Choo-Choo, and bless Judith's cat Kenny, and bless Chuck Bass as he tries to succeed in a post-Gossip Girl world, oh, and bless the Kansas City Chiefs— Judith: Go Chiefs! Rachel: And bless my friend Judith, and bless this table, and bless all of these chairs, and bless Mom and Dad on that Carnival Cruise that they won at the mall, and bless their friends Jerry and Monica who they took on the cruise instead of us, and bless Pizza Street for letting us have this pizza that nobody picked up, and bless the producers of the Entourage movie as they embark on this tremendous journey, and bless Bridget, even though she's kind of meaner than I think she has to be. Amen. Deandra: Amen. Judith: H—hey Deandra, what uh, what are you doin' here? Deandra: Oh well, I heard that lovely grace and I didn't want to interrupt. Rachel: Thank you. Deandra: So assuming you guys were gonna let me in after you heard my terrible sob story about how my parents forgot about Thanksgiving, I just figured I'd let myself in. Judith: Um, I don't mean to be a dick here, but are we even friends? Deandra: Of course we are, girl with glasses! Isn't that right, other girl with glasses? And I'm assuming you're the elderly woman who runs this orphanage. Bridget: I'm twenty-seven and I'm her sister. Deandra: Oh shit, really? Were you in a fire or something? Bridget: No, I'm just dead inside. Deandra: Oh. Bridget: You would be too if you knew what I had to do to get this pizza. Deandra: Well, she seems like a barrel of laughs. Rachel: Yeah, she can be a real fucking dum-dum sometimes. Bridget: What did you just say? Judith: Uh Rach, maybe we shouldn't— Rachel: You can't hurt me Bridget! My friend Deandra has a robot arm and she will defend me! Bridget: Hey Deandra, how would you like a lifetime supply of Pizza Street coupons? Deandra: You have my full and complete attention. What do I have to do? Bridget: Just do nothing for the next five minutes. Deandra: Done and done. Rachel: Wait, what? (Bridget starts chasing Rachel) (crying) Aahhh, no Bridget nooo, nooooooooooooo... Deandra: Are you, uh, you gonna eat that crust? Judith: Oh no actually, I can't have gluten. I'm probably gonna be sick tonight. So go ahead, take it. Deandra: Wow, free crust... and a lifetime supply of Pizza Street coupons? Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!